Rebel

Those times I was walking alone, walking without Your lead, I felt like a living ghost. I was alive, I was breathing, but my life was meaningless. I felt like I'm going through the motions only, purposeless, even though I knew You. 

Those times I rebelled, I refused to listen, the times I aliented myself from Your Love and Truth. 

Those times that I knew I am heading towards doom, yet I still go on. 

Those times.. Do You know how much I thirst and hunger for You? But my heart was hardened. I kept refusing You. I could not obey, I could not give ear to Your Words. My so called 'comfort' zone of isolating myself seemed safer than to hide under Your wings. 

I want to remind myself time to time that without You I cannot do anything. Even living itself seem like hell. 

I built walls to keep You outside my heart. I didn't want to let You come in nor do I want to answer Your call.. Everyday I live in misery and hopelessness. I long.. I longed for You, however due to guilt and pain I have kept You away. I shut You out, even though I want You so badly. 

Those days, I washed my face with tears. I was miserable, I was living hell on earth. 

But You, had compassion for me. You have always loved me, and even had wonderful plans for my future. You saw my pain, You were in pain too. You could no longer bear to see me in pain, Your heart was broken because I had chose. to run away from Your sweet embrace. 

& Because of Your everlasting love and compassion for me, You kept pressing on to my life.. Until You had finally pressed into my hardened heart, making it soft before You. In every ways, ALL the ways You could, You appear just to tell me You love me. So many times, when I needed Your help, You helped me so willingly and came to me so lovingly. And Finally.. Lord Jesus, You have won me over.... And You have not stopped loving me ever since. You won't relent until You have it all.